♠ eyeliner and cigarettes ♠

♠ eyeliner and cigarettes ♠

they say i'm plump, but i throw up all the time

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[Feb. 8th, 2010|06:27 pm]

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Current Mood

infuriated

]

I just left my plastic surgeon's ofice in tears.

I came to him because I had an ear infection, and the closest I have to a family doctor is a surgeon, and most facial plastic surgeons double as ear nose and throat specialists, but also because I wanted him to look at my nose and decide whether or not I'm going to have anything done about the bump on my nose, and my breathing.

I stayed off coke 20 days just to see him.

And he looks at me and tells me "You've gained weight.... Why?"

And I explained to him I've been on medication for bipolar regularly. I didn't tell him that I have also pseudo-recovered from bulimia, and have been off drugs, and have just been eating normally. He doesn't know about all that of course.

He asked me if I was eating because someone made me sad? He asked me if my family loved me, if anythng was wrong at home, if I had support. He was seriosuly CONCERNED. And he told me he's mad they put me on this medication. That it made me gain weight. Told me I should probably get off it. Then he started showing me pictures that he's taken of me over the years. Kept pointing and saying 'look what a beautiful lady you are here. I tell everyone. Why are you doing this to yourself? It saddens me. My love is unconditional, and I love you, but.. you gotta do something about this weight.'

And as he says that he grabs my thighs gently. And says 'this has to go.'

And this entire time.. I am smiling, and bubbly. Like 'oh yes, Ive gained weigt lol.'

Yah lol. LOL! Lol. lol. lolll.

He tells me 'you are not yourself. You have such a beauitful face you could star in movies. And you are such a nice girl. I write here all the time what a nice girl you are. How sweet you are. I know the real you is under there. What do you think you are going to do about this?'

And I told him 'dont worry. I'm officially off the medication now. Next time you see me.... I'll look like 'myself' again.'

And he scheduled two procedures. One of them my nose. I'm not paying for them, of course. He operates on me 'pro bono' sorta. Not major surgery or anything. I told him I refuse to have more major surgery. I figured if I stopped snortin drugs, which I finally have, my nose would recover on its own. Im not even being put to sleep. Its jsut gonna be local anasthesic. And he's going to go in with a file, and just shave down a bump which I know none of ya'll can see, w/e. Not the point. Its there, I know it, he knows it.

And he gave me my ear meds, scheduled my 2 procedures, I was sweet and bubbly still... but the moment I stepped outside. Holy fuck, the most bitter tears just started streaming down my face.

My plastic surgeon thinks I'm fat. He was HEART BROKEN, literally, he was so saddened because he felt I had 'ruined' my beauty or some shit. I'm basically like a daughter to him.

And here I thought I was recovered... and being healthy. Fuck my all protein and vegetable diet.

Looks like I'm back, you guys. I'm off my meds now... I'll be on the road to madness shortly. I'll prolly pick up some blow sometime this week... I'm starting a 3 week fast tonight for sure.

And this time YOU CANT FUCKING BLAME IT ON ME. I'm not being 'body dysmorphic' and seeing thing. My plastic surgeon said so.

FML

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Took antipsychotics last night: - Morning meds + supplements: Y Abused drugs/alc/meds: - Slept? # of hours: 8 Relaxation/meditation: -		Psychotic episodes: - Manic episodes: - Depressed mood: - Anxiety/panic: - Read/work: Y		Ate? ...Cals consumed: 1000 Drank 1.5 L water: - Worked out: Y Binged: - Purged: -
				/ daily progress /

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